Skillz, Sounds, and Sexcapades.

2528199617_8c4bf0d5bcDear People Of Los Angeles,

Currently I am listening to one of you belt out show tunes from what I can only assume is an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical due to it’s general awfulness. Congrats on that projection you are working on. It is surely effective, being as how you are, I believe, two BUILDINGS down from me. If by chance you are one of the five people that read my blog, or you somehow stumble upon this posting…can I be so bold as to make a request? How about anything other than Andrew Lloyd? Thank you. I know that almost the entire population seems to be enchanted by the musical Cats and others like it, but the melody of the song Memory makes me want to claw my ears off. Not to mention there is something distinctly uncharming and creepy about a bunch of adult humans dressed up as cats, prancing around in unitards and licking their fake fur. If you are currently wearing one of said unitards, I am sorry… I am sure it is dashing on you.

Now, earlier today, I was doing a bit of facebook patrol. Answering some messages, which then of course leads to a little light stalking. I came across a “friend’s” page and decided to click the link to their website. Of course it is a website dedicated wholly to themselves (complete with resume, links, headshots, and all the obvious forms of self promotion) …which I see is a growing trend…I decided to click on the resume. It was a typical acting resume. I myself haven’t had to make one in a while, and was intrigued as to what this person had been up to, so I read on. Then of course I came across it… the “Special Skills” section. Now, People, honestly this section is getting so ridiculous in most acting resumes…just a bunch of nonsensical masturbatory ego strokery for oneself, that “Skills” might as well be spelled “Skillz.” It’s silly. I read on in hopes of learning more about this persons very special skill set, only to find out that they are capable of doing such things as, Running, and are in fact a Licenced Driver. I guess I am pretty fucking skilled as well. Watch out, Hollywood. Seriously, though… I have seen such basic human functions listed in this section before, such as: Crying, Laughing, Walking, Talking on Phone, Reading, Telling A Joke, Yelling, and Praying.

Um, now I am not a betting woman, but those seem like everyday happenings….some involuntary bodily functions even.

I am truly just kind of sick of the whole Actor thing going on here. I know it is slightly hypocritical of me to say, since I did go to college for none other than Acting. I am just not down with the vibe that L.A. seems to supply for this art. Everyone is so out for themselves. So into being unique and authentically themselves, but in the most pretentious way possible. It’s just not me.

I really have no reason to be so disgruntled today. I am not entirely sure where all of this pent up frustration with L.A. is coming from directly. I am on vacation, in fact. Spring break of sorts. I have two weeks off, away from children, where the only boogers I have to deal with directly are my own. I know this seems like a small and maybe insignificant point… but honestly there are more foreign boogs in my daily life than most of you desk job workers likely have to deal with in a year. I see them picked, consumed, and placed onto inappropriate surfaces daily.

In an attempt to unwind, I took a yoga class yesterday. It was excellent. I ran into a neighbor of mine. She works the front desk there. She actually gave me a free class, which was super neighborly of her. It was actually kind of an awkward interaction (more so in my head) since I realized midway through our conversation that I somehow had lived here for three years, never seemed to catch her name… yet, I knew her dog and her dogs name. Ugh. When I told Pete about this experience later, he asked me… “Oh, that neighbor there? Isn’t she the one who has extremely loud lesbian sex?” Hmmm… My mind started to backtrack. Perchance. Yes. I think so. It’s hard to be 100% sure about facts like that… apartment life has proved to have paper thin walls, as I can hear most everyones sexual escapades (even in other buildings…) The sex that Peter was referring to as “loud”, is an understatement. It is screaming, scary, maybe someone is being hurt loud! I remember walking out to get my laundry one night and being alarmed… having to pause and make sure those were screams of passion between two women, and not a crime of passion. We came to the conclusion that it was consensual lady lovin’, and did not need to call the cops.

I don’t think I have ever lived in an apartment while being in L.A. that did not have some really awkward sexual thing going on within earshot. My first apartment in college was kinda shady, but I loved it. I lived alone with my cat. Nearly all of my neighbors were Mexican. The mariachi music would start around 7:00am. Occasionally the old woman across the way would bring me a homemade tamale or something cool like that. Anywho, I am not sure exactly who lived right next to me, but it got weird. Their bedroom wall was also my bedroom wall. Almost every night there would be the distinct sound of porno soundtrack…you know, with the bow chicka bow wow… then leading into unmistakable porno narrative and moans. This would be followed by the sound of a woman moaning in the next room. The weirdest part, was that there was also a very loud snoring coming from the same room. Gunther, Peter and I would try to get to sleep, slightly on the mortified side. I occasionally broke out my discman (that’s right…i didn’t have a fucking ipod, so what.) in order to try and escape the awkward porno slumber party on the other side of the wall.

Currently, I can hear two people arguing in a neighboring apartment building…. over… wait for it… Peeps. I guess “they are bad for the baby.” Who is feeding their baby Peeps?! Sugary marshmallow figurines shaped into classy little Easter shapes? I am a grown up human and I don’t even touch that shit. People, you be crazies.

I can only imagine what you all have seen or heard of me over my three years of living in this place. Yes, sometimes I dance around in a robot costume… but, I think that is pretty legit.  Hell, maybe I will even file that under my Special Skillz!

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~ by soartsyithurts on April 9, 2009.

One Response to “Skillz, Sounds, and Sexcapades.”

  1. My God, you have a lot of sh*t going on around you … 😉

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