NOT Dolphin Safe…

There is absolutely no reason to revive the men’s dolphin short. This statement is especially true for anyone who plans on doing physical activity, bending over, or generally being out in public near other people.  I was recently made aware that there was a name for this type of short during an unfortunate “dare you to google..” conversation between Sarah and I.  Seriously.. I dare you all to google “dolphin shorts” and just marvel at the glorious images that pop up.  Go for it.

I had the unfortunate incident of running into a man who had not seemed to receive the “Dolphin Shorts are Inappropriate” memo, and made these shorts his highlighted work out attire of choice.  My gym is more of a freak-show than most, I would have to say.  Our gym is located in the middle of a shopping mall in the San Fernando Valley…a Valley known mostly for it’s hot temperatures and the making and major distribution of pornography.  It is weird going to work out in the middle of a mall… especially on a Saturday when all of the hot people are shoping, eating at reasturants or going to the movies dressed in designer jeans, and you have to walk past them unshowered in your yoga pants and uni-boob making sportsbra, sweating bullets. Real cute.

Anywho… I was on the eliptical machine and I spotted this extremely buff woman wearing short shorts.  The woman walked closer to me, strutting and carrying some hand weights.  As she approached… I noticed that she was definately a HE. This man was wearing perchance the shortest shorts I have ever seen on a male human.  They were about two sizes too small, and even though the man was not fat, it still created some muscular love handle and muffin top spillage.  I couldn’t seem to look away.  He wore a tight tank top, and coupled this ensemble with a non gender specific pair of salmon colored soft nike walking shoes.  Awkward.

I ended up sketching this picture for Sarah later in the day, in order to accurately describe what I had seen:


Oh yes.

Some of my other favorite gym attendees would include:  a man who closely resembles a chubby British version of Gollum, and dresses in head to toe spandex which prominently displays his belly and sagging behind.  A man that closely resembles Sydney Poitier but in VERY tight yoga pants.  Sometimes that man actually makes a costume change halfway through his work-out… and usually does jazercize moves where the weight lifting equipment is, so you HAVE to watch him move it, move it.


~ by soartsyithurts on March 1, 2009.

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