Missed Connections


"Awkward Muffins and Exclamations to Jesus In Flight" by, Gina Biancaniello

I detest flying, especially without drugs. On this particular occasion this was my predicament. I had run out of xanex, it was stormy and rainy outside and I had to fly home. I took two benedryl to hopefully take the edge off, but an antihistamine is really no replacement for a strong, habit forming, anti anxiety drug. Who are we kidding. I had received a drink coupon for flying business select, but felt it would be suspicious to use it for booze at 9:55am in the morning. I didn’t want to appear anxious and boozy. Not my style.

I arrived at the airport in ample time to use the restroom (because honestly, who are they fooling with those in air lavatories?) purchase a two dollar pack of generic gum, and then peruse for something to eat. I chose this place close to my gate. They were serving hot breakfast, but something about a bacon and egg breakfast burrito a la airport just didn’t hit me as delish, so I opted for the safer route and picked up a banana nut muffin and a five dollar generic bottle of water. While picking out my muffin, I was being watched. Call me paranoid if you will, but I know when someone is lurking. The perpetrator was what appeared to be a boy approximately age 15-18, Caucasian, and approaching 5ft 11ins. He wore red shorts, and a nerdy t-shirt. His hair was emo-tastic, and he looked like the before picture in a Proactive commercial. His breakfast selection of choice was Cherry Diet Dr. Pepper and a Red Delicious Apple. Weird, I thought. It was only 9:20am, and this guy had picked out soda pop and an inferior breed of apple. I got in line to purchase my expensive muffin and rip off bottle of water, and the lurker got in line behind me. I avoided eye contact. I do that when people lurk. It’s instinctive. After I had paid credit for what totaled to be a nine dollar shitty breakfast, and was signing my receipt I hear the soft mumble of the lurking boy behind me.

Lurking Boy: Uhh… I would like to get hers too, Please.

Cashier: Sir. She has already paid.

Lurking Boy: Uhh. Errr. Okay.

I quickly pack up my wallet and start to walk toward my gate. Did some fifteen year old kid just try to be a stud and purchase me my airport muffin? That was awkward. Maybe I should have said “Thank you, anyway…” or something that acknowledged his existence. I did not do that. I just walked. Perchance crushing his dreams of meeting his future online gf at the Burbank Airport, or maybe prompting him to write a Missed Connections entry on Craigslist, maybe going something like this:

It was 9:22am at the Burbank Airport. You wore the red scarf, the cat boots and the judgemental eyes. I wore red shorts. You looked at my Dr. Pepper. I tried to pay for your banana nut muffin. You ignored me. I think we have something that could be special. If you feel the same way, e-mail me at WoWfan4U@hotmail.com

Haha. If only.

I finally boarded my plane. It is awkward being someone who likes to sit in the middle seat, and having to get on the plane during the first seating. Usually I just grab and aisle seat, and then when some tall dude tries to sit next to me, I offer him the aisle and take the middle. This makes me look like a good Samaritan, while also getting me the seat I desire. I know, tricky. This is exactly what occurred during this flight. I sandwiched myself between some lady who was reading, and some sleepy business man. It was still raining and really cloudy out, so I was freaking out a little. The benedryl although making me a bit sleepy was not cutting the fear.

As the engines began, and the flight attendants took their seats for take-off, I could hear a conversation between two commuting business men behind me:

Man 1: Did you know, last year a plane crashed on this runway?

Man 2: Really?

Man 1: Oh yeah. The pilot landed short. Ended up sliding into the freeway. A car hit the plane and a child died.

Man 2: Oh man.

Now… C-mon, people. Do you really have to talk loudly and crassly about plane crashes as we are taking off? How settling. I thought more and more about my free booze coupon. What should I order for my last drink? I looked at their menu of drinks, and decided all of their alcohol was crappy and worse than dying sober would be dying drinking bud light. For a while everything was smooth…the flight attendants were attending around the cabin. All of the sudden things changed. I felt like I was in a popcorn popper. The flight attendants were asked to sit down (I always take this as a terrible sign. sure death.) The man sitting next to me was still sleeping…I guess he didn’t know we were about to plummet to our death. Idiot. I tried to read my book. I was doing okay (i.e. holding it all inside and clutching the armrest like a child would clutch the hand of their parent before receiving a set of shots)

The plane made a sudden dip and I lost my stomach.

“JESUS!!” I exclaimed. Complete with flailing hand gestures. I might have overreacted, as the man next to me was still asleep. I grew a little embarrassed about my sudden outburst of blasphemy, and tried to engross myself further into my book.

No dice. I did however mange to not use my drink cupon, and have no further public outbursts. I just quietly paniced…thinking about my own Missed Connections entry to the world:

Dear World,

I was the neurotic girl who exclaimed “Jesus!” on the airplane. I know, I am embarrassed about it, but I was real nervous. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable, or if you are real religious and it was offensive to your sensibilities. I assure you I didn’t mean it in some anti-Jesus way, more just as an exclamation of surprise and fear. Nice knowing you. Wish we could get together sometime for a coffee date or something…I guess there is no need to contact me, as I am now plummeting to my dea…

and then the wheels hit the ground. sigh*

A great success, I’d say.


~ by soartsyithurts on February 22, 2009.

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