If I had known what a douche bag you were then, I probably would have cried a lot less…

breakupMy little brother just recently got his heart broken just in time for the holidays. It was his first real love, and it makes me sad to see him in so much pain. It’s hard to watch him change his facebook status fifty times a day floundering somewhere between anger and depression. I would love to tell him in all honesty that his heart will heal, and he will feel much better soon. You know, that whole older person speech about love’s definition changing over time, and how he will most likely find another girl who he will fall even more in love with. To a teenage boy, I am pretty sure that speech has no cred. I am sure it sounds like I am negating all of his feelings and putting a small band-aid on his large gaping wounded heart. I know, because that is how I felt when I was given the speech back in the day. I believed in all certainty that none of the adults rallying to try to pick up the broken shards of my heart could possibly understand the complexity and seriousness of what I was going through.

The first time I got my heart broken in high school, I remember being so torn up that my mother threw me in the shower… carried me, picked me up, and threw me… must of been a pretty important relationship-eh? Sure seemed so at the time… as I now sit here scratching my head trying to remember said boy’s middle name, or how long our relationship actually lasted. Heh. I swear past relationships always look much better when you are in them… hence them now being past. I wish I could go back to all of the times I spent crying over spilled relationship milk, and clean up the mess with one healthy helping of hindsight.

I have been dumped on AIM before.

No joke.

I am fairly certain I was with that particular catch for over a year. Gotta love technology! One minute you are LOL-ing and the next you find yourself staring at a screen blaring a meek “You know, I just don’t think it’s working out. g2g.”

At which point, I demanded he face me… and upon meeting he became a blubbering pile of tears. Is it really worth saving face to be forever remembered as the boy who tried to break up with me on AIM? Wouldn’t you rather have been the fellow who tried to sincerely break up with me in person and did so through a healthy dose of tears and snot?

One of the bigger relationships that I really wish I had some hindsight on upon break-up time, was my long term high school boyfriend. He was a sweet boy. We got on well. Unlike the AIM dude, I actually remember his middle name, and the length of said relationship. I am not discounting that we had a great time, and I did love him at a point in my life… but… well…

After his awkward infidelity (i use the term awkward because his choice of one night stand mistress was of highly questionable taste. Not the kind of girl you get jealous of upon finding out about her putting moves on your man… but rather gain an heir of “Really…Her? Does she have an amazing sense of humor that she hides under a bushel somewhere? Her? Really?”) Needless to say, this breakup wasn’t exactly smooth and I really thought life was ending for a while due to my heavy broken heart. I probably drowned and choked on more tears that I could possibly measure. Family and friends of the older generation assured me it would all be alright, and gave me the speech… to which I was immune to and seriously unaffected by. After I had started to get over the boy, he started to send me these bazaar e-mails updating me on his life. I actually would receive things like his grades and sports scores in e-mails. Well… I am so glad you are getting an A in Econ, Buddy… but you should have thought about your need for me to pat you on the back before you decided to make questionable choices with some foreign lips. Congrats on your 44 on the front nine holes… uh… probably shouldn’t have slept with someone who resembles both a rooster and Christina Aguilera in her “Dirty” era. Awkward.

I am always baffled by people and their need for self approval. I am sure I have some of the faults that I speak of… but maybe I just lack the balls, or just have the good sense to not act out on the bazaar practices of sending update e-mails to my ex’s with personal info about things like my grades.

That act is just marked with liters of douche-baggery.

I wish him the best now. I hope that he continued to get real good grades… Seriously though, I really do wish him the best.

I know the only way you can really make it through these essential parts of life is to cry and sit in a pile of heartache… but if I could I would take it all away for my brother. I know he will be stronger after this is all over, but if there was some way to build his strength without him getting to scratched in the process… that would be better. I can still remember what it felt like being in his situation, and even though I know now some things that would help me better to cope with the happenings of the past now — it just sucks. Hard.


~ by soartsyithurts on December 4, 2008.

One Response to “If I had known what a douche bag you were then, I probably would have cried a lot less…”

  1. Aw, Babyface Biancaniello…SO wish I coulda been there when you were so heartbroken in high school (but the Me of Now, not the Me of High School–because we both know how THAT would have been useless)! I would’ve been your small-but-welcoming bosom to cry on, I would’ve put on one-woman shows to entertain you and taken you out to fun or beautiful places, shown you that you’re okay without him and life can still be fun and interesting. I will never leave you again. (Never is a promise, and I can’t afford to lie…so you know I mean it.)

    I wish your brother well through this hard time. Let him know I love him and take him out to some interesting places, show him a good time for me. And I know that you of all people will be the best shoulder for him to cry on, the best-listening ear, the most sympathetic heart, and that’s all you can do. It is enough. The rest he just has to get through on his own, and it’s good for him (in a hard way), it helps him grow and it’s all part of growing up and of life.


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