Holy Earthquake, I’ve Gone Retarded!

I was sleeping on the couch, still groggy from my less than impressive time-change upon the return of my trip from Maui. It’s been three days and I am still messed up over three hours…Anywho, I was drooling on myself on the couch this morning when all of the sudden everything starts to shake a little… kind of like a rumble. My first thought upon waking up is that Monica, my friend who lives in the apartment above me has dropped something large and heavy. This may sound absurd, but this sometimes happens. My building is old, creaky, caked with paint that has been layering up since the mid 60’s, the cabinets don’t close all the way, and the floors and walls are less than thick… I am often treated to a symphony of fun sounds, like fighting, break-ups (one time i heard someone getting caught cheating! it was epic!), any musical endeavors of my fellow tenants, and of course one of my favorites would have to be the loud, pounding, late night, and sometime mid afternoon sexcapades of anyone within earshot. It’s apartment life, things move and shake and make noise, and you deal with it…

So, I am on the couch and when I finally realize that Monica couldn’t have enough heavy objects to make such a ruckus unless she had recently purchased a number of shot-puts on sale from some sort of retiring shotputer in the shady back alley behind our place (not completely unlikely, stranger things have happened.) My heart sinks and I go completely retarded.



Stop. drop. roll. erg. not right.



Wait… Duck and…?



Duck and cover in the doorway? ugh. no… this is ridiculous.

I should grab a phone.

Am I going to die?

Where is the cat? CAT??!!

There is a lot of heavy shit in here, I should probably get out of here.

Grab shit and get out of here. Fight or flight. Flee!!

I then grab a cell phone on it’s last leg of battery power, my house phone, slippers and my car keys. Quick like a bunny, my heart pounding and the ground still shaking I exit my apartment, realizing that whatever they taught us to do in elementary school about earthquakes did not stick and I was in my PJ’s outside my apartment with a cordless phone. Stellar. My tank top, still all discombobulated from my couch sleeping is pulled down in a way that makes me dangerously close to nipple exposure… but whatever, what is a little nipple when the earth is shaking? meh.

I ended up running into another frantic neighbor with her doggy coming down from her apartment… We discussed the scariness of it all and started to talk about what to do.. a plan, anything… maybe just sit together until our heart rates slowed.

It was when I was walking into my neighbors living room that I remembered the state of my appearance, the sleep-lines on my face, and the fact that I smelled ripe. She probably thinks I am a hobo, or that I just don’t bathe. I was willing to risk the hobo-labeling for a bit of company after the quake.

We watched the news, and got in touch with our boys… which took forever. The phone lines were so held up that my phone wouldn’t even ring when I dialed out for a while… good thing I grabbed two phones, they proved very useful.

We sat, chatted, I played with her sweet dog and then after a half an hour or so I returned to my messy unlocked apartment… (good thing I grabbed those keys.)

I am still a little bit shaken by the event… but at least I am showered now. I think I might make a no-think-necessary earthquake easy grab and go bag to keep by the door… it would have useful things in it.. like a snack, deodorant, a helmet, and knee pads? who knows.

Hope everyone is okay, and have neighbors as nice as mine, willing to sit with them and freak out in unison.


~ by soartsyithurts on July 30, 2008.

4 Responses to “Holy Earthquake, I’ve Gone Retarded!”

  1. Hey, you’re in Sherman Oaks, right? Remember, I used to live in Westwood and would have SO felt it… if, yes if I wasn’t up in NorCal now. Damn!

  2. OMG! I just spit DP all over the place…Sorry about the panic stricken state, but the movie just played in my head and I’m about to pee in my pants, which would really suck since I’m at work and my chair would probably get wet too and this is getting to be quite a long run-on sentence, dontcha think?

    I live here in the midwest and we have the New Madrid fault which gave all of us Illinois residents a good shaking in April. Except, I awoke with “Wha? Hmmm? ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz” so, not quite the same, me thinks.

    Thanks for the giggle at your almost nipple exposure and I hope that things aren’t quite so “shakey” anymore.

  3. “…unless she had recently purchased a number of shot-puts on sale from some sort of retiring shotputer…


  4. I’ll have you know I do have a magnificent shot put collection that I use for door stops, paperweights, bowling, marbles, fishing weights, diving belts, just plain showing off and other various things that I don’t think you want to know about here (or anywhere). However, I had nothing to with the earthquake incident because I was at the park, of course, practicing throwing the shot put.

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