I’ll Love You Forever.

Yesterday was pretty much one of the hardest days of my adult life. I got out of the shower only to get a phonecall from my Dad telling me that my Dog, Cody, was in the hospital. He had fallen off a ten foot retainer wall and hit his head, and things weren’t looking good. He couldn’t move, and they were not expecting him to improve.

I was shocked. Wind knocked out of me, shocked. I couldn’t help but start balling uncontrollably even though I tried to choke back my tears and be tough… It was just so messed up. I knew Cody wasn’t going to be around forever. He was almost 14 years old, which in dog years is… almost 100. I just always thought he was going to pass away peacefully in his sleep, and this definitely was not that.

This dog was amazing. I can’t imagine a more incredible pet. Like my mom says “He was the king of all dogs.” He was just a big furry bunch of love, always there, always by your side, full of life. Even at 14 he would get spurts of extreme puppydom and frolic around the house with what appeared to be a smile on his face. He has these expressive eyebrows and at times a very human like temperament. He could get pissy and ignore you if you did something like say bathe him when he wasn’t in the mood… he would literally make sure to let you know he wasn’t looking at you… but it never lasted too long. He had infinite patience and probably the gentlest disposition I have ever witnessed from a dog. I could place my whole arm in his mouth and he would just hover his teeth about my flesh trying with all his doggy strength not to bite me… I don’t think he ever even nipped anyone. He was protective yet lovingly quirky (so, clearly a Biancaniello.) He was always patrolling us kids and making sure we weren’t in danger, but at the same time still afraid of the pool, or any body of water for that matter. When you were sick he was always by your bed, almost obsessively so. He might go to eat or go outside for a minute, but he would always come back and just keep you company if you were feeling lousy. I can’t express in words accurately what an amazing animal Cody was.

I knew yesterday was not going to end triumphantly. If the fall wasn’t enough, they had also found a cancerous mass in his lungs during one of the x-rays. The vet said that he was in no pain, which I am thankful for. I can’t imagine him having to go through the cancer.

I had opted to not go home for this incident because I felt I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to see him like this. I didn’t want to remember him like this. I love him too much. It was a really hard decision to make though…. throughout the day I wished I was there holding his paws or to give him a kiss on the snout. I knew that if I was to see him I would not be able to let him go. I was so anxious the whole day… awaiting another phone call from my parents. Every time the phone would ring, my heart would sink and then beat a hundred miles a minute, feeling like it was going to leap out my throat and sit beside me on the couch. I was waiting for bad news.

I can’t explain how it felt really…. but, i will try. I knew when they told me that he had neurological damage and that he wasn’t going to recover that he was already gone. He couldn’t have a good quality of life like that. But still, without that final phone call from my parents, he was still sort of here. He wasn’t completely gone, and there was still a very small part of me, the childlike part of me, that thought he could maybe be okay. The last phone call meant it was real. I didn’t want it to be real. I didn’t want to let go. I am still not completely ready to let go. I know that when I go back to Novato the next time and step foot in my parents house it will hit me like a wave and I will have to really come to terms with the fact that he is no longer there. I will miss him. I do miss him. I feel like that will never ever go away.

When the phone call from my parents came at 7:30pm or so, I knew what I was about to hear, but I thought my reaction would be much different. My Dad told me that they had put him down, and he was very peaceful. They had spent a bunch of time with him, and fed him treats and talked to him until the end and then some. I thought this would make me hysterical with tears, but instead I felt an inner sense of calm rush over me. An inner voice in my core was telling me “Yes. He is at peace. Good. He deserves peace.” I was able to rest my mind a little and my heart and feel relieved for him. I think part of the calmness was that I had probably cried a total of four hours that day already. It was beyond the point of tears.

He has changed my life, and that of my family’s in so many positive ways, and he is impossible to forget. He will be in my heart everyday. I will take him with me wherever I go, and whenever I think about his fuzzy face I will feel an overwhelming sense of love.

I’ll love you forever, Cody.

I’ll miss you forever.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you, for you.

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~ by soartsyithurts on June 12, 2008.

4 Responses to “I’ll Love You Forever.”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your friend. He was a good looking dog and I’m sure he was full of love. It’s good that your folks were able to be with him, comforting him in the end.

    Someone told me once that dogs can’t go to heaven because they don’t have souls. I’m pretty sure that ass never lived with a true friend like this.

    As for me, I can’t imagine a place like heaven without our dogs.

    Peace.

  2. Hi my Gina-
    I cried when I read your feelings about Cody. I’ve been through it more times than I’d like to count but it is always worth having them for the time that we can. We all love Cody. I like that you’ve started a blog…good idea. I will read it whenever Aidan gives me a chance! Love you- Auntie Ken

  3. ~Jim
    Thank you so much. I completely agree with your comment about dogs going to heaven. They are pure love. And for the guy who thinks dogs don’t have souls… that almost isn’t even worth the energy to disagree because it is just SO wrong. He’s missing out on knowing some pretty awesome souls if you ask me.

    ~Hello my Auntie!!
    Thanks for reading my blog. I know, you know how I feel. It is one of the most difficult things ever, but you are very right, I would never ever trade in the feelings of love I have for Cody for the ability not to feel grief that I feel now. The love trumps the grief… and the only reason I feel the grief is because he truly was amazing and I loved him like family.
    Speaking of family, I miss you terribly… and it is KILLING me that I am not getting to make consistent visits to pinch, love, squeeze, hold, and photograph Mr. Aidan Pants. I have gotten a few of the photos you have sent me on my phone and my goodness, could he be any cuter??? NO. I can’t wait to see him again! Love you mucho much.

  4. oh my gosh, gina. i am SOOOO sorry to read this (and to be so late on the news). my wife actually weeps more for the passing of animals than of humans. they are close for me… and weird too since my dad was and my brother IS a vet, i have seen and been there for FAR too many sad things and passings of animals. your cody will be waiting for you in heaven. i am sure of it.

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