So, What’s Next?

Today I opened up my gmail inbox to find a mass e-mail from an old friend that contained an invite to a web album of photos of her newborn baby boy. Naturally I clicked the link only to see a very adorable chubby cheeked kiddo and his new mommy and daddy…. kids my age, with their brand new baby.
It’s almost bittersweet.
I am looking at these pictures in shock, thinking how happy I am for them and how healthy and wonderful the baby looks, but at the same time it is freaking me out because I am no longer at the age where it is kind of ludicrous to have a baby or start a family. It’s almost age appropriate.
When did this happen? I am pretty sure I was just rushing a sorority and making questionable choices at some random lacrosse party in Newport Beach… High school doesn’t seem like it ended six years ago, and although sometimes I feel worlds away from the chaotic buzz of college, when I really think about it, I feel like some of those parties could have been last weekend. The memories are still really vivid. I understand that I am not old (don’t feel like you need to slap some young sense into me, older people.) but there is sometimes still a disconnect from my present age and being seventeen. I sometimes even look in the mirror expecting to see a younger version of myself and then have a split second of weirdness when the reflection does not match up with the expectation.
Somewhere between seventeen and twenty three I have traded in careless serial dating for the free cocktails for a four year relationship with an extraordinary man. I have traded in misdirection for the plans and execution of a business. I have traded in depression for exercise and the occasional good cry. I have made a lot of trades and substitutions… I guess that is called learning and growing. Things have definitely changed and continue to change constantly. Who ever said you are supposed to know who you by the time you are twenty five is totally delusional. I don’t think I have ever met a twenty something that had a complete grasp of who they were… who had essentially “figured it all out.” Crap, I don’t know if that ever really happens. The older I get the more I realize I don’t know. It’s the anti-teenager syndrome where your parents start to look really smart again and you start to realize that the world is full of things yet to be learned. Love starts to turn into a clearer and more complete concept, changing and growing along with you and all of your previous experiences. The boyfriend who you dated in high school starts to look like a big weenie in comparison to what you have got in your life now. Love is redefined.
So, what’s next?
I am getting to the point where people are always asking this question. It’s like the new “What’s your major?” or “What do you do?”… People are always currious after hearing that I have been with the same boy for over four years what the next step will be!
So, right now, I will whole heartedly admit to you I don’t know the answer in it’s entirety. I don’t really know what I am going to have for dinner tonight yet, or where my next photo-job is coming from….
I can tell you though, that the images in the web album of my old friend and her new family, although a little sobering, feels closer to my heart and life than any frat house party or high school dance.
I am in love, and that is good enough for me. I know that.

~ by soartsyithurts on June 9, 2008.

4 Responses to “So, What’s Next?”

  1. This is so cool. I never blogged before (ok that was probably extremely uncool to say). I enjoyed reading your blog very much. What’s really weird is that I feel exactly the same way but at a different point in my life. Just this past Friday I sat in an audience of hundreds watching my first born graduate from high school. How did that happen so quickly. Aren’t I still 25? How did time fly by so quickly? I must say that I am so proud of her and excited but also a little weirded out by it all. I am totally happy with where I’m at in life but just wondering how I got here so fast.

  2. Hey, you started a blog. Awesome. You’ll see… it’s fun!!

    Oh yeah, and about that entry: I fee EXACTLY the same way. Where’s the stop button?? 🙂

  3. Hey Auntie.
    I have never really blogged before either, it’s okay. haha. Yeah, I can totally understand how you would feel that way. I am kind of weirded out that Nessie graduated already, and I am only six years older than her. It’s so weird how fast time goes. I feel the older I get the faster the years kind of zoom on by. I was really bummed that I couldn’t make it to the graduation or the party. I really feel like I missed a milestone. I was/still am having some car issues so it kind of messed up my planned trip up there. I miss you guys so much sometimes. I wish it was an easier drive… I feel like the next time I see Aidan he is going to be huge. 🙂

  4. oh i have SOOOOO been there. you and pete will know when it is time for other or next steps. continue to enjoy your life and your lives together, you know? there is no rush right now…

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